Having goals is a very good thing. We should all set different goals. But of all the goals we can work toward, marriage is not one of them. It’s certainly a keen desire, but it cannot be a goal.
Imagine a hockey game, with well-trained teams, the stands filled to capacity, but with no net on the ice, no opportunity to score. That wouldn’t make sense, of course! The objective of the game is to score goals. Players practice skating faster, passing the puck, but also shooting at the net. The same is true for our finances, our health, and even our spiritual growth. Life becomes very monotonous when we don’t set goals and objectives to achieve within a set period of time.
For example, when we want to be debt-free within the next five years, we budget accordingly, prioritize our spending, and make the necessary sacrifices to achieve this goal. The same goes for weight loss or obtaining a new professional certification. We can (and should) also set spiritual growth goals, such as serving more at church or spending more time with God daily.
Similarly, some singles set a goal to get married by a certain age, or to get married “within the next five years”, some will say. These singles then use the same strategies in the hopes of achieving their goal of marriage. It is, of course, terrific, and even recommended, to take steps to become a better potential match and even to engage in activities to meet new people. But the reason we can’t set a “goal” of getting married is that, unlike other goals, achieving this goal doesn’t depend solely on our own efforts.
With financial goals, for example, it’s your own sacrifices that will bring you results. The outcome of your strategies depends solely on your willpower. All sorts of unforeseen events can delay the outcome, but the ultimate management of your finances is yours. But being a couple requires the determination of two people! You can’t control the outcome of your efforts alone. When you work hard toward a goal that doesn’t come true when you expected, frustration and even despair inevitably follow. A marriage is a contract between two people. Therefore, half of the contract doesn’t depend on you! Since you can’t control the entire process, you can’t say it’s one of your goals. It can be a dream, a desire, a prayer, but not a goal.
Why is it important to make this distinction? For two main reasons. First, because when a single person sees marriage as a goal to be achieved, they go into “hunter mode” when they meet someone of the opposite gender. Instead of getting to know the other person in a natural way, they observe or even question them based on their goals. This is often off-putting for the person being approached. Setting marriage as our goal makes us intolerant of anything that doesn’t meet our goals and almost always leaves us disappointed.
The other reason why it’s important not to make marriage a goal is that our marital status must not become more important than our calling. Many singles wait to be married before serving the Lord with all their heart. Their first goal is to get married; then their lives can begin, they seem to say. However, since a marriage proposal is beyond their control, they put God’s calling on hold, and during this time, many souls suffer. This is somewhat what Jesus reproached the disciples for, who found excuses not to follow Him immediately. “Let me bury my father,” said one in Luke 9. “Let me say goodbye to my family,” said another. Putting family, or your desire for a family, before the calling God places on your life is not a good priority.
Jesus has given you unique gifts and talents to grow the Kingdom of God. “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:10 NKJV). Don’t wait until you’re married to enter into your calling. Don’t keep Jesus waiting, like the disciples in Luke 9. In fact, you have a good chance of meeting a good match while you serve the Lord in your calling.