How can you tell if you have healthy standards that will protect you from getting into a bad relationship or unrealistic expectations that will sabotage you and keep you forever single?
By studying the Scriptures, we can identify at least four biblical differences between high standards, which are good, compared to toxic expectations, which will ruin your love life.
1. High standards keep the wrong people away. Toxic expectations keep everyone away.
Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) states, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” The Hebrew word for “guard” is natsar, which means “to keep, guard, to watch.” This verb carries a more active and vigilant sense of guarding than an inactive sense. So rather than implying we guard our hearts in a passive or static way, like building a wall around it and then relaxing because we think we are safe, the idea in Proverbs 4:23 is more like providing the ongoing watchfulness of a sentinel who stands on the wall, watching for friends and foes so the gate can be opened or shut.
Likewise, to guard one’s heart, the goal is not to lock it in a dungeon so no one can ever hurt you. Rather, the goal is to actively and wisely guard it so the right people can come in and the wrong people can stay out.
2. High standards help you see healthy people. Toxic expectations tempt you to see what you want.
If you fear being deceived by a liar, for example, you may create really high standards for people so you will not end up with a liar. However, if you demand perfection and never have grace for imperfect people, the only people you will be attracted to are the ones who are pretending to be perfect, because no one is actually perfect. Ironically, your fear of ending up with a liar will actually create the environment for you to end up with a liar.
1 John 1:7-8 states, “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” High standards can be met by someone who walks in the light. Toxic expectations, however, are things only liars who deny their own sin will try to live up to.
3. High standards are rooted in biblical wisdom. Toxic expectations are rooted in worldly fantasy.
Every movie has a hero, every song has an object of worship, and every person dreams of finally meeting someone who can fill their heart completely. Scripture, however, states that what we are all truly searching for is Jesus. He’s the one we actually long for.
Healthy standards will help you meet people who know they need Jesus just like you do. Toxic expectations, however, will be rooted in fantasy and Hollywood, and they will leave you empty because no one can save you but Christ. God wants you to enjoy a relationship with another human. But no one can live up to romance novels and movies.
4. High standards are something you can live up to. Toxic expectations are only things you expect others to live up to.
Perhaps the best way to know if you have high standards or toxic expectations is to first ask, “Am I living up to this standard myself?” Before you expect anything from anyone, always expect it from yourself first (Matthew 7:3)
Healthy standards start with treating others how we want to be treated (Luke 6:31). Toxic expectations start with pride and entitlement, thinking that we deserve grace but everyone else needs to be perfect (Matthew 18:33-34). If you are able to live up to what you want in someone else, that is a great sign that you have healthy, high standards.
(Originally published on the Apply God’s Word website in English as: The Difference Between High Standards and Toxic Expectations by Mark Ballenger. Translated and published with permission.)